Out of Hibernation

Um. Hello. Still here...nearly 2 years later.

Where do I start? How about where I left off? Let's acknowledge what this blog is sponsored by: the letter G.

G, which brings us GRATITUDE – a perfect tool to file away worry and doubt.

This will be a long post with no crafting. I need to open my heart for this post. I know there are others out there going through something similar, but may feel alone. Here is proof that you aren't.

Can it be that 2 years have passed by since my last post? I thought it had only been one year until I checked the date...it's all been a blur, really. What happened? I got off track. I reverted back to old habits and then one day I looked up and around and found I had only walked in a circle instead of continuing forward, forging my own path. I was back in the town of get up – go to work – go home – go to sleep – get up...all with the occasional dash of worrying about things beyond my control. This way of living had once again snuck in and switched itself with the joy of creativity. Some kind of emotional changeling.

Sound familiar for you too? Anyone out there successfully able to keep on track for a least a year? If yes, I'd love to hear your comments on what steps you've taken to keep your momentum chugging along. I'm really sick of repeating this pattern.

I didn't even do any knitting this past winter! Ridiculous.

By December 2010, I had realized how far off track I was and then made a quick decision to enroll back in school at the community college. This was one of those, “I'll go back to school one day, learn something to help me further my career opportunities...maybe next term....,” things, but this time it was different. This time the voice said, “Girl, don't be a chicken shit. Just enroll for 2 classes and you're only committed for 11 weeks.” I didn't even wait until the next day- I immediately went online and applied, then as soon as I was accepted I enrolled. This was the best leap I've taken in awhile. As it turns out, I really like accounting and more surprisingly, this supposedly no-mind-for-business crafter actually really likes business classes too!

Soon after my first term, I had to admit to myself that the only thing holding me back from becoming fluent in business-ese was my self-imposed restrictions. I had assumed business was about the cold hard dollar, at whatever cost with as little creativity as possible. This was a false assumption. Equally false was me buying in to the “Well, you're a right-brain thinker,” talk...as if I were doomed to be incapable of understanding business. The boundaries were there because I let them be there. If you step in poop, that poop is gonna stay stuck to your shoe unless you take the time to scrape it off.

If any of you are wishing to know more about business, but think it isn't for you, I strongly recommend taking a class or two at your community college. The textbooks have a refreshing (and surprising) emphasis on ethics and philanthropy. Had I not taken this leap to go back to school, I would have never found out how “human” business could be. I also wouldn't have this growing confidence in myself and my future.

Are you with me in harboring feelings of shame or guilt in the mere thought of posting one of your creations on Etsy? Are you stuck with the heavy belief of, “Well...just as long as I have enough to get by....who am I to expect more?” When you watch the news and see victims of natural disasters or violence, do you wish you could donate (or donate more than you already have) but all you can do is look at your checkbook and sigh? Hey you know what? ME TOO!

Well, me too until I started taking business classes. I feel as though my instructors went into my brain and fixed the faulty wiring and now the lights are coming on and it's very clear how I have a habitual expectation of lack. Somewhere along the way, I adopted the belief that I don't have the right to expect abundance. I did, however, become very adept in the expectation of lack while simultaneously expecting and encouraging abundance in others. I just didn't see it for myself. This re-wiring has begun to pull me out of this rut and I'm excited to know that my future holds a me that will not nearly cry with fear whenever my car makes a funny sound because I will have a car maintenance fund. I will be able to respond with a donation whenever I find a cause that touches my heart. I will be able to buy a friend a month's worth of groceries or pay their utility bill when they fall on hard times. There's been a shift from wishing this to actually seeing it in my heart. These classes have helped nudge me over from wishing to feeling empowered.

First, I need to be sure my home base is steady and secure. I have no more guilt in this. There is nothing greedy about not wanting to live paycheck to paycheck. I am not Mother Theresa and there is no shame in that. For all the time and energy I've wasted in not taking a step because I was worried that it wasn't perfect and I wouldn't be completely sacrificing myself, how many people could I have helped in my own imperfect way? Why did I let what I thought others expected of me keep me from going forward with what I truly wanted in my heart? Did they even expect that at all? And while I'm at it, who is “they” anyway? I don't know...and now, it doesn't even matter. So what that I started 2 years ago and then lost my way? No guilt there either. Done with it- all this guilt and shame . Worrying, too. Got pretty good at being present, but lost my focus a bit and wouldn't you know it, worry was waiting to rush in. Sick of that, too.

All this guilt, shame, and worry does is petrify me, robs me of my creativity, limits my field of vision. When it strikes, all my potential drains away and the future becomes a burden to fear. So now, in addition to reminding myself to be present, I imagine blowing up guilt, shame, and worry. If it won't get out of my way, I'm blowing it up...why don't you try it? If you've played Angry Birds, think of the black bird. Ka-BOOM! Will this make me guilt, shame, and worry free overnight? No, but this will loosen its grip on my life. When I am strong and confident, when my life is secure and healthy, I will be able to do so much more to help others.

Where are you on your own journey to your own greatness? Don't say you have no greatness. We all have greatness and it truly is our own, so there is no point in comparing it to others. Dig around for yours and nurture it so that it can thrive. When it blooms, the world will be a better place because of it. You and I, we do have something wonderful to contribute to this world.

You know how you can feel a good summer thunderstorm rolling in? There's a tension, excitement in the air. The sounds and scents change and while you sweat in the still humidity yearning for relief, a cool breeze suddenly blows over your face, through your hair and it smells like rain. Then you hear a low rumbling in the distance and big fat drops of rain begin to fall, washing off the sweat and dirt drop by drop until it begins to pour and you can feel the oppressive heat being scrubbed away by the wildness of the storm. The thunder and the lighting shakes your bones and makes your heart skip a beat and a primitive part of your brain sends out the impulse to run, but you stand your ground and breathe in that shift in the atmosphere. It feels like a life refusing to be burdened.

This is what is starting for me. I hope it is for you, too.